I had a dream last night!! It was a bit disturbing but somewhat of a true reflection of every sexual relationship I've ever had. I think when you've been molested, broken down and controlled by boys as a young teenager and young woman you try to gain control of your life in any manner you can.
I have never given up control of my pleasure to any man....not even my husband. He was so broken himself that we rarely had sex. If we did have sex the focus was on him because his erections were so fleeting that we had to work really, really fast to complete the act. I was also never allowed to approach him when I wanted sex.....I'm not sure why, but I think it was because he was never sure he would be able to function. How horrible to be a 30 year old guy that has ruined his body using steroids (to be more attractive to women) and then his abuse of pain meds, heroine, and whatever substance he could cram into his body to relieve his self-loathing.
In every (non-sexual) intimate moment we shared, I held the hope that he would be able to make love to me. That he would be able to look into my eyes and see how much I loved him, but it never really happened. I wanted a fun, open, exciting sex life with my husband; what I got was another fucked up man who's ego was wrapped around his inability to have a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with me.
In my dreams about Tyson he is always able to perform, he is perfect, he is my everything.
Fast forward to the dream - it was about my son's father. In the dream he could not perform sexually. Believe me this was never his problem when we were together...in fact, he was performing with every woman who crossed his path. Our sex life was also a battle. It was all about his ego and never about me. I wanted a fun, open, exciting sex life with my partner; what I got was another fucked up man who's ego was wrapped around his inability to have a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with me.
Now I'm a 53 year old woman who's never had a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with anyone. Yup, pretty sure that's never going to happen.
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