Traveling

It looks like I might be doing some traveling soon. I've already started grinding my teeth in my sleep worrying about the possibility of flying......there are butterflies in my stomach and just knowing that I might not be able to get out of getting on an airplane freaks me out!!!!

I know that I can work around it one time, but I've been asked to attend two trainings and there is no way in hell my work is going to let me take the time TWICE to drive to the trainings. Then on top of that I learned that if I become a facilitator I might be asked to travel other places to train other managers.

I'm proud that after only 4 months on this job my boss feels that I'm a good candidate to be a customer service trainer and a manager trainer, but HOLY HELL, I HATE TO FLY and I don't know what to do about it.

HELP PLEASE!!!

Dreams - Don't Read if my Sex Life or Lack There of Grosses You Out!!

I had a dream last night!! It was a bit disturbing but somewhat of a true reflection of every sexual relationship I've ever had. I think when you've been molested, broken down and controlled by boys as a young teenager and young woman you try to gain control of your life in any manner you can.

I have never given up control of my pleasure to any man....not even my husband. He was so broken himself that we rarely had sex. If we did have sex the focus was on him because his erections were so fleeting that we had to work really, really fast to complete the act. I was also never allowed to approach him when I wanted sex.....I'm not sure why, but I think it was because he was never sure he would be able to function. How horrible to be a 30 year old guy that has ruined his body using steroids (to be more attractive to women) and  then his abuse of pain meds, heroine, and whatever substance he could cram into his body to relieve his self-loathing.

In every (non-sexual) intimate moment we shared, I held the hope that he would be able to make love to me. That he would be able to look into my eyes and see how much I loved him, but it never really happened. I wanted a fun, open, exciting sex life with my husband; what I got was another fucked up man who's ego was wrapped around his inability to have a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with me.

In my dreams about Tyson he is always able to perform, he is perfect, he is my everything.

Fast forward to the dream - it was about my son's father. In the dream he could not perform sexually. Believe me this was never his problem when we were together...in fact, he was performing with every woman who crossed his path. Our sex life was also a battle. It was all about his ego and never about me. I wanted a fun, open, exciting sex life with my partner; what I got was another fucked up man who's ego was wrapped around his inability to have a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with me.

Now I'm a 53 year old woman who's never had a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with anyone. Yup, pretty sure that's never going to happen.

It's Always There

When something happens no matter how trivial or important I want to share it with you, but I can't. So, I live with this level of anxiety that sits in my stomach like butterflies. It's always there, sometimes it's a small flutter. Other times I can't think about anything else because it's a constant ache.

It's always there....it makes me want to call you on the phone, hear your voice, share my triumphs, my failures, my everything.

I wonder if this feeling will ever go away? Is it there because you are struggling and even after all this time my heart knows when something is wrong? Is it because you are thinking about me and I feel it? What is it that keeps me connected to you?

I wonder if this is how my mom felt when he died....always wanting, needing, wondering.....longing, with no chance of ever getting back what they had together.

The you I knew is dead, so I won't call you.......but I want to really bad.