On January 14th I realized I'm still grieving the loss of my marriage. It's very surreal to know that I will never see Ty again, but in my heart I want to see him, hold him, love him. I miss his voice and the way he used to call me at the grocery store to tell me to hurry home because he missed me. I miss his homemade cards for special occasions. I miss being in a relationship with him....not just in a relationship with somebody.
I spent the day trying not to think about him or think about where everything went wrong or why he doesn't love and want me anymore. I kept myself busy and then finally went to pieces in the McDonald's parking lot while eating an ice cream cone.....snotty cone, yum yum! I resisted looking at his pictures, our pictures, re-reading his letters and emails. It's just too fucking painful!!!
Will I date again? Probably, but I doubt that I will have the kind of mad, crazy love that I felt (and in all honesty still feel) for Ty. I know he never loved me like I love him....it makes me wonder why he married me? But the answers that come to mind are too dark.....because those answers mean that it was all a lie, his love wasn't real, he used me, the means justifies the end, I was a convenience and not worthy of a lifetime of love from him.
Soon, I will pack all of the pictures, the letters, my wedding dress, my ring and all the memories into a pretty box and place it on a shelf in my closet where I won't be tempted to relive the wild ride that being married to him was.
I waited for the call.......it never came......I wonder if he thought of me on our anniversary???
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