Wanderlust

I've always had a bit of wanderlust.....never stayed in one apartment more than a year in my twenties. Even after AJ was born we moved 13 times in 9 years. As an adult the longest I've ever lived in one house was on Shelburne Court in Olympia.

That is the house I lived in when I met Ty and that is the house where I said goodbye to him. At the time I didn't know my life with him was over. I believed it was just beginning and that moving to California while he finished up in the Army was a good idea.

Well.....California turned out to be a bust on so many levels. I did not like my job, the town was in the middle of nowhere, and Ty asked for a divorce. Many tears were shed there and there were a few moments when I wanted to drive into the middle of the desert and end my life. Only one thing kept me from giving up and that was the fact that I did not want to leave that legacy to AJ! That poor kid has enough problems without me taking the easy way out. Life is just so fucking difficult sometimes!!

Now, here I am in Texas trying to figure out if I will be able to stay here or not. I've been trying to settle into my apartment by decorating. It is a huge step that I'm actually hanging art on the walls and buying furniture, albeit used but it is still furniture that will at some point either have to move with me or be sold/given away when I can no longer deny my desire to move....see something new......search for whatever it is I'm looking for.

I wonder if my wandering will ever lead me to where I'm supposed to be, because I thought it was with you!!!

Traveling

It looks like I might be doing some traveling soon. I've already started grinding my teeth in my sleep worrying about the possibility of flying......there are butterflies in my stomach and just knowing that I might not be able to get out of getting on an airplane freaks me out!!!!

I know that I can work around it one time, but I've been asked to attend two trainings and there is no way in hell my work is going to let me take the time TWICE to drive to the trainings. Then on top of that I learned that if I become a facilitator I might be asked to travel other places to train other managers.

I'm proud that after only 4 months on this job my boss feels that I'm a good candidate to be a customer service trainer and a manager trainer, but HOLY HELL, I HATE TO FLY and I don't know what to do about it.

HELP PLEASE!!!

Dreams - Don't Read if my Sex Life or Lack There of Grosses You Out!!

I had a dream last night!! It was a bit disturbing but somewhat of a true reflection of every sexual relationship I've ever had. I think when you've been molested, broken down and controlled by boys as a young teenager and young woman you try to gain control of your life in any manner you can.

I have never given up control of my pleasure to any man....not even my husband. He was so broken himself that we rarely had sex. If we did have sex the focus was on him because his erections were so fleeting that we had to work really, really fast to complete the act. I was also never allowed to approach him when I wanted sex.....I'm not sure why, but I think it was because he was never sure he would be able to function. How horrible to be a 30 year old guy that has ruined his body using steroids (to be more attractive to women) and  then his abuse of pain meds, heroine, and whatever substance he could cram into his body to relieve his self-loathing.

In every (non-sexual) intimate moment we shared, I held the hope that he would be able to make love to me. That he would be able to look into my eyes and see how much I loved him, but it never really happened. I wanted a fun, open, exciting sex life with my husband; what I got was another fucked up man who's ego was wrapped around his inability to have a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with me.

In my dreams about Tyson he is always able to perform, he is perfect, he is my everything.

Fast forward to the dream - it was about my son's father. In the dream he could not perform sexually. Believe me this was never his problem when we were together...in fact, he was performing with every woman who crossed his path. Our sex life was also a battle. It was all about his ego and never about me. I wanted a fun, open, exciting sex life with my partner; what I got was another fucked up man who's ego was wrapped around his inability to have a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with me.

Now I'm a 53 year old woman who's never had a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with anyone. Yup, pretty sure that's never going to happen.

It's Always There

When something happens no matter how trivial or important I want to share it with you, but I can't. So, I live with this level of anxiety that sits in my stomach like butterflies. It's always there, sometimes it's a small flutter. Other times I can't think about anything else because it's a constant ache.

It's always there....it makes me want to call you on the phone, hear your voice, share my triumphs, my failures, my everything.

I wonder if this feeling will ever go away? Is it there because you are struggling and even after all this time my heart knows when something is wrong? Is it because you are thinking about me and I feel it? What is it that keeps me connected to you?

I wonder if this is how my mom felt when he died....always wanting, needing, wondering.....longing, with no chance of ever getting back what they had together.

The you I knew is dead, so I won't call you.......but I want to really bad.

I Shop at Wal-Mart

I used to avoid Wal-Mart out of respect for you.

Since you've dumped me as your friend without any explanation.....though some people have suggested that maybe you slept with my ex-husband, I seriously doubt you would remove the stick from your ass far enough to sleep with someone you felt was beneath you.....I mean really would little miss business woman sleep with a pill-popping, right-wing, conspiracy theorist, pro-life, hillbilly? Hmmmm, maybe since she couldn't keep her hands off of him if my memory serves me correctly. But then again he would never wear a condom, you've never let anybody near you without one, you never want kids and all he ever wanted was to have kids!! Doesn't add up, but if it did happen know that you are both dead to me.

I'm not even sure I care anymore why you haven't responded to any of my attempts to reach out to you. Really? You couldn't even wish me a Merry Christmas when I wished you one?? What a bitch!

You are no better than Wal-Mart who you say made your parents lose their business.....you gave up a good friend because you are too busy building a business, making money, driving your stupid, fancy car and hobnobbing with the upwardly mobile. Seems like the same thing to me!

I guess you don't need friends when you have money!!

Well now I shop at Wal-Mart gleefully and with abandon.....because it's my way of saying FUCK YOU!!!

Happy Anniversary

On January 14th I realized I'm still grieving the loss of my marriage. It's very surreal to know that I will never see Ty again, but in my heart I want to see him, hold him, love him. I miss his voice and the way he used to call me at the grocery store to tell me to hurry home because he missed me. I miss his homemade cards for special occasions. I miss being in a relationship with him....not just in a relationship with somebody.

I spent the day trying not to think about him or think about where everything went wrong or why he doesn't love and want me anymore. I kept myself busy and then finally went to pieces in the McDonald's parking lot while eating an ice cream cone.....snotty cone, yum yum! I resisted looking at his pictures, our pictures, re-reading his letters and emails. It's just too fucking painful!!!

Will I date again? Probably, but I doubt that I will have the kind of mad, crazy love that I felt (and in all honesty still feel) for Ty. I know he never loved me like I love him....it makes me wonder why he married me? But the answers that come to mind are too dark.....because those answers mean that it was all a lie, his love wasn't real, he used me, the means justifies the end, I was a convenience and not worthy of a lifetime of love from him.

Soon, I will pack all of the pictures, the letters, my wedding dress, my ring and all the memories into a pretty box and place it on a shelf in my closet where I won't be tempted to relive the wild ride that being married to him was.

I waited for the call.......it never came......I wonder if he thought of me on our anniversary???

Pain!

I have lived in constant pain for the last three years! The doctor says fibromyalgia....some people don't believe that exists. All I know is that I hurt all the time. I'm tired of hurting. I don't sleep well, I'm depressed, I'm getting heavier and heavier which I HATE!!

Yesterday I picked up a book by Sue Hitzmann. It's about her technique called MELT. It was on Dr. Oz, so it must work right?? So healthy that Dr. Oz!

Goodbye 2013

There are so many things I want to do in the New Year! The usual things of course:

• eat better
• move more
• write more 
• make more friends
• volunteer
• pay off my bills
• do something I've never done before...whatever that might be

But I think the most important thing I need to do is let go in my heart. I so wanted to believe that my marriage wasn't a lie, but I know now that he never loved me....because if he did we'd still be together. I guess I'm still in love with the lie....the man I thought he was, the man I believed he could be. Oh I so wanted to believe that he would love me like I loved him.....sigh. Honestly I still can't believe that I will never see him again......I miss him so much! Letting go.....it ain't so easy!!!

People that I thought were friends have gone by the wayside and I want answers that I know I will never get....I miss the connections, the funny phone calls, knowing that somebody cares about me enough to put in a little bit of effort to remain friends.

It's impossible, when people go away, not to wonder, "what is wrong with me?" "am I not a good friend?" "am I not worthy?"

I guess I'll never know......maybe I don't really want to know......letting go is my goal!!

Christmas Wishes

My wish is that all of the people I hold in my heart know how very important they are to me.....even if we don't talk anymore.

So many things have changed in the last year. I've moved to Texas, I have a new job, I was handed a divorce that I did not want on a silver platter, someone I thought was my very best friend has chosen not to have any contact with me...whatever her reasons are I truly miss her friendship, but I guess we weren't really friends if a little bump is all it took to break the bond.

If it hadn't been for all of this bullshit I would never have become a part of a very special group of people.....they know who they are!!! While I've come to love them, they will understand that our virtual relationship can't replace the hugs that I miss from the people that I've lost.

What I wouldn't give to hold Ty's hand, watch a movie, bake him a pie or laugh with Christen, ride around in the car looking at houses, or have a glass of wine with her. I miss my mom, my dad, my brothers that have gone on their long vacations and I miss my family in Washington.

I am thankful for each and every blessing in my life no matter how big or small. I don't take anything for granted.

I am just me.....wishing for you to be happy!!!

5K....and I ain't talkin' money

Soooooo, I don't run! I've never run, except once from a German Shepard who bit me precisely on my left butt cheek when I was about 12 years old. Clearly I was damaged mentally and am now afraid to run.....but I love me some German Shepard's. Go figure.....

Anyways, I want to do this race: Color Me Rad Corpus Christi I may have to crawl to get it done, but I'm going to try and prepare for this death defying feat. I'm going to get up tomorrow morning and go to the gym. Then I'm coming home to register for the race.

I don't have any friends here YET, but I'm going to do this MoFo, because I want to prove to myself that I can do something that seems unimaginable. It may seem like a small thing to some people but this is huge for me. I hate working out, I'm not crazy about big crowds, and I hate to do anything alone but I fucking want to do this. I'm not even sure why, I just do!

I want to live life even if it kills me!

Soooooo, if you're in Corpus on February 22nd bring some tequila and meet me at the finish line!!!

Blogs are weird......this started out as funny stories of things that happened in the children's library where I worked. I like the idea of writing....journaling......sharing I get worried that I will reveal too much of myself. I'm not a world traveler soooooo no stories or pictures of fantastic places. I read books, but mostly to escape reality. Yet, I feel this need to say things (write things) that live inside my head. I cook, but I am too lazy to take photos of the things I cook or type the recipes....unless I get a burst of energy though it's not likely to happen.Not on a weight loss journey so there won't be any before and after pictures. I'm not giving up anything, but I probably should give up this blog.......

So, I'm going to try this again and maybe, just maybe I'll add my thoughts on a more regular basis and share some funny, sad, interesting stories from time to time.

OH MY GOD!

Jesus H. Christ - I jinxed myself! I wrote a quick post to Facebook saying nobody was in the library. Then much to my dismay and fucking horror, macaroni and cheese family walked in, then I have a PhD lady with her kids and then another kid (who ain't 11 by the way) comes in. Now they are all on the computers talking all loud, macaroni and cheese mom is yelling at her kids about the games and PhD lady is nowhere to be found and her kid ain't 11 either.

I am positive macaroni and cheese mom is as high as a kite.......her eyes are closed and she's rubbing her finger over her lips....over and over and over....GROSS. Last time she was here she went in the bathroom for about 15 minutes and came out sniffing over and over and over! I'm just sayin' something's fishy about her and her kids.

I hate confrontation but I'm gonna tell these parents they can't leave there kids in here by themselves unless they are 11.....I mean hell, there's a crack addict in here for God's sake!!

Little Girl In the Library

Dear Mom,

I'm sure you named me Serenity for a reason! Maybe to get some serenity in your life......duh....then why is it you scream at me when I'm asking for your help. Anyways, I'm just sayin' you are not making my life very serene!!!

Love,
Your child....Serenity

In The Library Today

Today is my Friday! Why, you ask? Because I work the weekend. It will be my second weekend in a row!That's the great and horrible thing about libraries......extended hours. Great when you don't have a life, not so great when you have other shit to do. I've developed a love/hate relationship for:

Patrons - especially the smelly ones
Co-Workers - the stupid ones
Lazy bitches who claim mental stress and get a doctor to sign off on some bogus claim saying they can't work with the public - hey BITCH you have a public services job....oh that's right you are in graduate school and can't chew gum and walk at the same time so how could you fucking hold down a job and go to school??? You tell me, cause I'm about ready to punch you in the mouth!
Administration - who fall for the bullshit noted above
Jackasses - who can't remember how to spell their last name or their fucking birthdate
Stupid people - who say, do and think stupid shit
Guys who make passes at girls who wear glasses (you know who you are old man - leave me alone!)

Current hiring freeze and lack of employees to work weekends is making my blood boil and that leads to excessive snacking, drinking and hot flashes!!!

Yes, I feel one coming on now!

In the Library Today

M is in the library today, AGAIN! Boy, I wish M could read this blog because she would know who she is. You know who you are.....don't you? You are the one who insists on staying in the library all day to check your Facebook, ask for glue sticks, construction paper, ILL textbooks for your college courses that you never return, use our public phone, and have your mommy who works next door ask if we can warm up your lunch in our microwave!!! Oh, and then you ask me those lovely questions like:

Do you think I can get a job in  a daycare with my degree?
How many credits does it take to get an associate's degree?
AND my personal favorite,
Do you think I will get in trouble for turning in this assignment late??

You actually told me one day that you forgot your coffee cup and lunch garbage in here because your CP makes you forgetful. Hey all you doctors, is that true or was she just yanking my chain because she thinks I'm her maid????

I really thought today the annoying people would stay home, but noooooooo not today when I've started my period after a 30 day break!! Can you say it with me people? WATCH THE FUCK OUT cause I'm having a bad day!!

PS
I need something more than an exclamation point to express my feelings in this blog!!!!!!!! See what I mean?

Dear Children

I regret to inform you I WILL be in the library today.....hahahaha Just kidding! The sun is shining, storytime was awesome and at 5:00 I will go home. How could today get any better? Oh yeah, I wouldn't be here I would be drinking a Margarita in Cozumel!
I suspect that before the end of the day I will be posting some horrible, smelly or loud event happening in the library......WATCH OUT!

Sincerely,
Your library lady

Ahhhhhhh a Day Off!

Dear Children,

I regret to inform you that I won't be in the library today! I have the day off to do what I please. So, I will clean my house, wash the dishes, do the laundry and grocery shop. Just know that I miss your smelly little butts and your clueless parents. Why? Because without you this blog would be impossible=)

Sincerely,
Your library lady

Dear Adults

Dear Adults,

In case you were not aware, this is a children's room! Please explain to me why you continue to come in here when you don't have children. Do you really believe that just because you want to use a computer you can come in here and monopolize the kid's computers? Oh that's right, you do! I have told all of you time and time again not to turn off the pre-loaded kids games so that you can get on the Internet to check your email and Facebook accounts, yet you persist in doing it anyways. You do realize that when you access the Internet then forget to turn back on the kids games that I have to get up out of my chair and reload them as a 4 year old is crying that the games aren't working. Then said child has to wait 7 minutes for the games to reload. Again, all the while whining and screaming that they want to play games!!! Then after all of this screaming by the child, the by now annoyed mother tells the child it's time to go home whereas much more screaming ensues.
Please.....I'm begging you.....use the computers in the main library that were designed for adult use and I should not have to remind you but I will anyways......NO PORN!

Thank you,
Your very bitchy, hormonal library technician

In the Library Today

I will choose to call this person "Laminator Man"! My boss mentioned to a patron that the children's room had a laminator that he could use to laminate his insurance card......okay, so I think this is a one time deal. Obviously, Laminator Man is in love with our laminator and shows up today to laminate a very tiny ID card for himself. Can one be addicted to laminating? Is it like those cool label makers that crazy people use to label everything in their house? I am lumping this guy into my USER category. You know those people who find out the library has some handy, dandy gadget and begin to think it is for their personal use. This guy is just like "Preacher Man" who found out if he gives us his pouty face we will color copy baptismal certificates.....GOD, I am such a sucker for a pouty face.

Two new categories of library patrons:

USERS - those who are obsessed with our stuff
LOSERS - those who are needy, messy, crabby, noisy and/or just plain fucked up
CUTIES - anybody I love to see in the library. Mostly kids who are not annoying, love to read and talk books!!!

I am anxiously awaiting the return of Laminator Man......NOT!

In the Library Today

Nobody! Just me, my hunger and a huge hot flash waiting to happen. I know it's coming! I can feel it creeping up my spine to hit my face in a flash of redness that will scare small children. My family knows to stay the hell out of my way or grab a glass of water to toss in my face!

Warning - stay the hell out of the library today! And for those of you at home --- hide in your rooms!