I Shop at Wal-Mart

I used to avoid Wal-Mart out of respect for you.

Since you've dumped me as your friend without any explanation.....though some people have suggested that maybe you slept with my ex-husband, I seriously doubt you would remove the stick from your ass far enough to sleep with someone you felt was beneath you.....I mean really would little miss business woman sleep with a pill-popping, right-wing, conspiracy theorist, pro-life, hillbilly? Hmmmm, maybe since she couldn't keep her hands off of him if my memory serves me correctly. But then again he would never wear a condom, you've never let anybody near you without one, you never want kids and all he ever wanted was to have kids!! Doesn't add up, but if it did happen know that you are both dead to me.

I'm not even sure I care anymore why you haven't responded to any of my attempts to reach out to you. Really? You couldn't even wish me a Merry Christmas when I wished you one?? What a bitch!

You are no better than Wal-Mart who you say made your parents lose their business.....you gave up a good friend because you are too busy building a business, making money, driving your stupid, fancy car and hobnobbing with the upwardly mobile. Seems like the same thing to me!

I guess you don't need friends when you have money!!

Well now I shop at Wal-Mart gleefully and with abandon.....because it's my way of saying FUCK YOU!!!

Happy Anniversary

On January 14th I realized I'm still grieving the loss of my marriage. It's very surreal to know that I will never see Ty again, but in my heart I want to see him, hold him, love him. I miss his voice and the way he used to call me at the grocery store to tell me to hurry home because he missed me. I miss his homemade cards for special occasions. I miss being in a relationship with him....not just in a relationship with somebody.

I spent the day trying not to think about him or think about where everything went wrong or why he doesn't love and want me anymore. I kept myself busy and then finally went to pieces in the McDonald's parking lot while eating an ice cream cone.....snotty cone, yum yum! I resisted looking at his pictures, our pictures, re-reading his letters and emails. It's just too fucking painful!!!

Will I date again? Probably, but I doubt that I will have the kind of mad, crazy love that I felt (and in all honesty still feel) for Ty. I know he never loved me like I love him....it makes me wonder why he married me? But the answers that come to mind are too dark.....because those answers mean that it was all a lie, his love wasn't real, he used me, the means justifies the end, I was a convenience and not worthy of a lifetime of love from him.

Soon, I will pack all of the pictures, the letters, my wedding dress, my ring and all the memories into a pretty box and place it on a shelf in my closet where I won't be tempted to relive the wild ride that being married to him was.

I waited for the call.......it never came......I wonder if he thought of me on our anniversary???

Pain!

I have lived in constant pain for the last three years! The doctor says fibromyalgia....some people don't believe that exists. All I know is that I hurt all the time. I'm tired of hurting. I don't sleep well, I'm depressed, I'm getting heavier and heavier which I HATE!!

Yesterday I picked up a book by Sue Hitzmann. It's about her technique called MELT. It was on Dr. Oz, so it must work right?? So healthy that Dr. Oz!

Goodbye 2013

There are so many things I want to do in the New Year! The usual things of course:

• eat better
• move more
• write more 
• make more friends
• volunteer
• pay off my bills
• do something I've never done before...whatever that might be

But I think the most important thing I need to do is let go in my heart. I so wanted to believe that my marriage wasn't a lie, but I know now that he never loved me....because if he did we'd still be together. I guess I'm still in love with the lie....the man I thought he was, the man I believed he could be. Oh I so wanted to believe that he would love me like I loved him.....sigh. Honestly I still can't believe that I will never see him again......I miss him so much! Letting go.....it ain't so easy!!!

People that I thought were friends have gone by the wayside and I want answers that I know I will never get....I miss the connections, the funny phone calls, knowing that somebody cares about me enough to put in a little bit of effort to remain friends.

It's impossible, when people go away, not to wonder, "what is wrong with me?" "am I not a good friend?" "am I not worthy?"

I guess I'll never know......maybe I don't really want to know......letting go is my goal!!

Christmas Wishes

My wish is that all of the people I hold in my heart know how very important they are to me.....even if we don't talk anymore.

So many things have changed in the last year. I've moved to Texas, I have a new job, I was handed a divorce that I did not want on a silver platter, someone I thought was my very best friend has chosen not to have any contact with me...whatever her reasons are I truly miss her friendship, but I guess we weren't really friends if a little bump is all it took to break the bond.

If it hadn't been for all of this bullshit I would never have become a part of a very special group of people.....they know who they are!!! While I've come to love them, they will understand that our virtual relationship can't replace the hugs that I miss from the people that I've lost.

What I wouldn't give to hold Ty's hand, watch a movie, bake him a pie or laugh with Christen, ride around in the car looking at houses, or have a glass of wine with her. I miss my mom, my dad, my brothers that have gone on their long vacations and I miss my family in Washington.

I am thankful for each and every blessing in my life no matter how big or small. I don't take anything for granted.

I am just me.....wishing for you to be happy!!!

5K....and I ain't talkin' money

Soooooo, I don't run! I've never run, except once from a German Shepard who bit me precisely on my left butt cheek when I was about 12 years old. Clearly I was damaged mentally and am now afraid to run.....but I love me some German Shepard's. Go figure.....

Anyways, I want to do this race: Color Me Rad Corpus Christi I may have to crawl to get it done, but I'm going to try and prepare for this death defying feat. I'm going to get up tomorrow morning and go to the gym. Then I'm coming home to register for the race.

I don't have any friends here YET, but I'm going to do this MoFo, because I want to prove to myself that I can do something that seems unimaginable. It may seem like a small thing to some people but this is huge for me. I hate working out, I'm not crazy about big crowds, and I hate to do anything alone but I fucking want to do this. I'm not even sure why, I just do!

I want to live life even if it kills me!

Soooooo, if you're in Corpus on February 22nd bring some tequila and meet me at the finish line!!!

Blogs are weird......this started out as funny stories of things that happened in the children's library where I worked. I like the idea of writing....journaling......sharing I get worried that I will reveal too much of myself. I'm not a world traveler soooooo no stories or pictures of fantastic places. I read books, but mostly to escape reality. Yet, I feel this need to say things (write things) that live inside my head. I cook, but I am too lazy to take photos of the things I cook or type the recipes....unless I get a burst of energy though it's not likely to happen.Not on a weight loss journey so there won't be any before and after pictures. I'm not giving up anything, but I probably should give up this blog.......

So, I'm going to try this again and maybe, just maybe I'll add my thoughts on a more regular basis and share some funny, sad, interesting stories from time to time.