Happy Anniversary

On January 14th I realized I'm still grieving the loss of my marriage. It's very surreal to know that I will never see Ty again, but in my heart I want to see him, hold him, love him. I miss his voice and the way he used to call me at the grocery store to tell me to hurry home because he missed me. I miss his homemade cards for special occasions. I miss being in a relationship with him....not just in a relationship with somebody.

I spent the day trying not to think about him or think about where everything went wrong or why he doesn't love and want me anymore. I kept myself busy and then finally went to pieces in the McDonald's parking lot while eating an ice cream cone.....snotty cone, yum yum! I resisted looking at his pictures, our pictures, re-reading his letters and emails. It's just too fucking painful!!!

Will I date again? Probably, but I doubt that I will have the kind of mad, crazy love that I felt (and in all honesty still feel) for Ty. I know he never loved me like I love him....it makes me wonder why he married me? But the answers that come to mind are too dark.....because those answers mean that it was all a lie, his love wasn't real, he used me, the means justifies the end, I was a convenience and not worthy of a lifetime of love from him.

Soon, I will pack all of the pictures, the letters, my wedding dress, my ring and all the memories into a pretty box and place it on a shelf in my closet where I won't be tempted to relive the wild ride that being married to him was.

I waited for the call.......it never came......I wonder if he thought of me on our anniversary???

Pain!

I have lived in constant pain for the last three years! The doctor says fibromyalgia....some people don't believe that exists. All I know is that I hurt all the time. I'm tired of hurting. I don't sleep well, I'm depressed, I'm getting heavier and heavier which I HATE!!

Yesterday I picked up a book by Sue Hitzmann. It's about her technique called MELT. It was on Dr. Oz, so it must work right?? So healthy that Dr. Oz!

Goodbye 2013

There are so many things I want to do in the New Year! The usual things of course:

• eat better
• move more
• write more 
• make more friends
• volunteer
• pay off my bills
• do something I've never done before...whatever that might be

But I think the most important thing I need to do is let go in my heart. I so wanted to believe that my marriage wasn't a lie, but I know now that he never loved me....because if he did we'd still be together. I guess I'm still in love with the lie....the man I thought he was, the man I believed he could be. Oh I so wanted to believe that he would love me like I loved him.....sigh. Honestly I still can't believe that I will never see him again......I miss him so much! Letting go.....it ain't so easy!!!

People that I thought were friends have gone by the wayside and I want answers that I know I will never get....I miss the connections, the funny phone calls, knowing that somebody cares about me enough to put in a little bit of effort to remain friends.

It's impossible, when people go away, not to wonder, "what is wrong with me?" "am I not a good friend?" "am I not worthy?"

I guess I'll never know......maybe I don't really want to know......letting go is my goal!!

Christmas Wishes

My wish is that all of the people I hold in my heart know how very important they are to me.....even if we don't talk anymore.

So many things have changed in the last year. I've moved to Texas, I have a new job, I was handed a divorce that I did not want on a silver platter, someone I thought was my very best friend has chosen not to have any contact with me...whatever her reasons are I truly miss her friendship, but I guess we weren't really friends if a little bump is all it took to break the bond.

If it hadn't been for all of this bullshit I would never have become a part of a very special group of people.....they know who they are!!! While I've come to love them, they will understand that our virtual relationship can't replace the hugs that I miss from the people that I've lost.

What I wouldn't give to hold Ty's hand, watch a movie, bake him a pie or laugh with Christen, ride around in the car looking at houses, or have a glass of wine with her. I miss my mom, my dad, my brothers that have gone on their long vacations and I miss my family in Washington.

I am thankful for each and every blessing in my life no matter how big or small. I don't take anything for granted.

I am just me.....wishing for you to be happy!!!

5K....and I ain't talkin' money

Soooooo, I don't run! I've never run, except once from a German Shepard who bit me precisely on my left butt cheek when I was about 12 years old. Clearly I was damaged mentally and am now afraid to run.....but I love me some German Shepard's. Go figure.....

Anyways, I want to do this race: Color Me Rad Corpus Christi I may have to crawl to get it done, but I'm going to try and prepare for this death defying feat. I'm going to get up tomorrow morning and go to the gym. Then I'm coming home to register for the race.

I don't have any friends here YET, but I'm going to do this MoFo, because I want to prove to myself that I can do something that seems unimaginable. It may seem like a small thing to some people but this is huge for me. I hate working out, I'm not crazy about big crowds, and I hate to do anything alone but I fucking want to do this. I'm not even sure why, I just do!

I want to live life even if it kills me!

Soooooo, if you're in Corpus on February 22nd bring some tequila and meet me at the finish line!!!

Blogs are weird......this started out as funny stories of things that happened in the children's library where I worked. I like the idea of writing....journaling......sharing I get worried that I will reveal too much of myself. I'm not a world traveler soooooo no stories or pictures of fantastic places. I read books, but mostly to escape reality. Yet, I feel this need to say things (write things) that live inside my head. I cook, but I am too lazy to take photos of the things I cook or type the recipes....unless I get a burst of energy though it's not likely to happen.Not on a weight loss journey so there won't be any before and after pictures. I'm not giving up anything, but I probably should give up this blog.......

So, I'm going to try this again and maybe, just maybe I'll add my thoughts on a more regular basis and share some funny, sad, interesting stories from time to time.

OH MY GOD!

Jesus H. Christ - I jinxed myself! I wrote a quick post to Facebook saying nobody was in the library. Then much to my dismay and fucking horror, macaroni and cheese family walked in, then I have a PhD lady with her kids and then another kid (who ain't 11 by the way) comes in. Now they are all on the computers talking all loud, macaroni and cheese mom is yelling at her kids about the games and PhD lady is nowhere to be found and her kid ain't 11 either.

I am positive macaroni and cheese mom is as high as a kite.......her eyes are closed and she's rubbing her finger over her lips....over and over and over....GROSS. Last time she was here she went in the bathroom for about 15 minutes and came out sniffing over and over and over! I'm just sayin' something's fishy about her and her kids.

I hate confrontation but I'm gonna tell these parents they can't leave there kids in here by themselves unless they are 11.....I mean hell, there's a crack addict in here for God's sake!!