Wanderlust

I've always had a bit of wanderlust.....never stayed in one apartment more than a year in my twenties. Even after AJ was born we moved 13 times in 9 years. As an adult the longest I've ever lived in one house was on Shelburne Court in Olympia.

That is the house I lived in when I met Ty and that is the house where I said goodbye to him. At the time I didn't know my life with him was over. I believed it was just beginning and that moving to California while he finished up in the Army was a good idea.

Well.....California turned out to be a bust on so many levels. I did not like my job, the town was in the middle of nowhere, and Ty asked for a divorce. Many tears were shed there and there were a few moments when I wanted to drive into the middle of the desert and end my life. Only one thing kept me from giving up and that was the fact that I did not want to leave that legacy to AJ! That poor kid has enough problems without me taking the easy way out. Life is just so fucking difficult sometimes!!

Now, here I am in Texas trying to figure out if I will be able to stay here or not. I've been trying to settle into my apartment by decorating. It is a huge step that I'm actually hanging art on the walls and buying furniture, albeit used but it is still furniture that will at some point either have to move with me or be sold/given away when I can no longer deny my desire to move....see something new......search for whatever it is I'm looking for.

I wonder if my wandering will ever lead me to where I'm supposed to be, because I thought it was with you!!!

Traveling

It looks like I might be doing some traveling soon. I've already started grinding my teeth in my sleep worrying about the possibility of flying......there are butterflies in my stomach and just knowing that I might not be able to get out of getting on an airplane freaks me out!!!!

I know that I can work around it one time, but I've been asked to attend two trainings and there is no way in hell my work is going to let me take the time TWICE to drive to the trainings. Then on top of that I learned that if I become a facilitator I might be asked to travel other places to train other managers.

I'm proud that after only 4 months on this job my boss feels that I'm a good candidate to be a customer service trainer and a manager trainer, but HOLY HELL, I HATE TO FLY and I don't know what to do about it.

HELP PLEASE!!!

Dreams - Don't Read if my Sex Life or Lack There of Grosses You Out!!

I had a dream last night!! It was a bit disturbing but somewhat of a true reflection of every sexual relationship I've ever had. I think when you've been molested, broken down and controlled by boys as a young teenager and young woman you try to gain control of your life in any manner you can.

I have never given up control of my pleasure to any man....not even my husband. He was so broken himself that we rarely had sex. If we did have sex the focus was on him because his erections were so fleeting that we had to work really, really fast to complete the act. I was also never allowed to approach him when I wanted sex.....I'm not sure why, but I think it was because he was never sure he would be able to function. How horrible to be a 30 year old guy that has ruined his body using steroids (to be more attractive to women) and  then his abuse of pain meds, heroine, and whatever substance he could cram into his body to relieve his self-loathing.

In every (non-sexual) intimate moment we shared, I held the hope that he would be able to make love to me. That he would be able to look into my eyes and see how much I loved him, but it never really happened. I wanted a fun, open, exciting sex life with my husband; what I got was another fucked up man who's ego was wrapped around his inability to have a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with me.

In my dreams about Tyson he is always able to perform, he is perfect, he is my everything.

Fast forward to the dream - it was about my son's father. In the dream he could not perform sexually. Believe me this was never his problem when we were together...in fact, he was performing with every woman who crossed his path. Our sex life was also a battle. It was all about his ego and never about me. I wanted a fun, open, exciting sex life with my partner; what I got was another fucked up man who's ego was wrapped around his inability to have a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with me.

Now I'm a 53 year old woman who's never had a sustaining, loving, sexual relationship with anyone. Yup, pretty sure that's never going to happen.

It's Always There

When something happens no matter how trivial or important I want to share it with you, but I can't. So, I live with this level of anxiety that sits in my stomach like butterflies. It's always there, sometimes it's a small flutter. Other times I can't think about anything else because it's a constant ache.

It's always there....it makes me want to call you on the phone, hear your voice, share my triumphs, my failures, my everything.

I wonder if this feeling will ever go away? Is it there because you are struggling and even after all this time my heart knows when something is wrong? Is it because you are thinking about me and I feel it? What is it that keeps me connected to you?

I wonder if this is how my mom felt when he died....always wanting, needing, wondering.....longing, with no chance of ever getting back what they had together.

The you I knew is dead, so I won't call you.......but I want to really bad.

I Shop at Wal-Mart

I used to avoid Wal-Mart out of respect for you.

Since you've dumped me as your friend without any explanation.....though some people have suggested that maybe you slept with my ex-husband, I seriously doubt you would remove the stick from your ass far enough to sleep with someone you felt was beneath you.....I mean really would little miss business woman sleep with a pill-popping, right-wing, conspiracy theorist, pro-life, hillbilly? Hmmmm, maybe since she couldn't keep her hands off of him if my memory serves me correctly. But then again he would never wear a condom, you've never let anybody near you without one, you never want kids and all he ever wanted was to have kids!! Doesn't add up, but if it did happen know that you are both dead to me.

I'm not even sure I care anymore why you haven't responded to any of my attempts to reach out to you. Really? You couldn't even wish me a Merry Christmas when I wished you one?? What a bitch!

You are no better than Wal-Mart who you say made your parents lose their business.....you gave up a good friend because you are too busy building a business, making money, driving your stupid, fancy car and hobnobbing with the upwardly mobile. Seems like the same thing to me!

I guess you don't need friends when you have money!!

Well now I shop at Wal-Mart gleefully and with abandon.....because it's my way of saying FUCK YOU!!!

Happy Anniversary

On January 14th I realized I'm still grieving the loss of my marriage. It's very surreal to know that I will never see Ty again, but in my heart I want to see him, hold him, love him. I miss his voice and the way he used to call me at the grocery store to tell me to hurry home because he missed me. I miss his homemade cards for special occasions. I miss being in a relationship with him....not just in a relationship with somebody.

I spent the day trying not to think about him or think about where everything went wrong or why he doesn't love and want me anymore. I kept myself busy and then finally went to pieces in the McDonald's parking lot while eating an ice cream cone.....snotty cone, yum yum! I resisted looking at his pictures, our pictures, re-reading his letters and emails. It's just too fucking painful!!!

Will I date again? Probably, but I doubt that I will have the kind of mad, crazy love that I felt (and in all honesty still feel) for Ty. I know he never loved me like I love him....it makes me wonder why he married me? But the answers that come to mind are too dark.....because those answers mean that it was all a lie, his love wasn't real, he used me, the means justifies the end, I was a convenience and not worthy of a lifetime of love from him.

Soon, I will pack all of the pictures, the letters, my wedding dress, my ring and all the memories into a pretty box and place it on a shelf in my closet where I won't be tempted to relive the wild ride that being married to him was.

I waited for the call.......it never came......I wonder if he thought of me on our anniversary???

Pain!

I have lived in constant pain for the last three years! The doctor says fibromyalgia....some people don't believe that exists. All I know is that I hurt all the time. I'm tired of hurting. I don't sleep well, I'm depressed, I'm getting heavier and heavier which I HATE!!

Yesterday I picked up a book by Sue Hitzmann. It's about her technique called MELT. It was on Dr. Oz, so it must work right?? So healthy that Dr. Oz!